I have been trying to call the wife once per week. I would probably call more, as there are times when I feel a bit homesick, but I don’t want her to think I am a wuss.
As I write this, our landline is still down, so we talk by cell phone, which can be a bit choppy at times. As incoming calls are free and I am a cheap bastard, I call her and get her to call back right away.
It can be a bit of reality check to talk to the wife. I have this version of her, called the “away” version, which becomes the real version soon after we are apart. “Away” wife resides high up on a pedestal, perfect in every way. Unfortunately, “reality” wife can never live up to “away” wife. I first realised I had this unrealistic version of my wife when I called her. As I was dialing the number I would feel all mushy and lovesick inside, and I would think about how much I love her and miss her, etcetera. We would exchange greetings and I miss yous, then the conversation would stop. Nothing to talk about. Usually I would talk a bit about what I am doing, but to be honest, by now it is pretty much routine. Many of the things going on here are not interesting unless you have the context and know the people. So, inevitably, she will talk about what is going on a home. If we had kids, this would probably be all about them. We don’t so it becomes about the cats. Since cats sleep about 23 hours a day, this is a short conversation. Talk eventually turns to the house, which is always about problems. This is when the big needle of reality bursts the fantasy bubble.
A tip to the women on the home front: when you talk about problems, bring solutions. Nothing is more frustrating for a man then to be away from home and know of a problem that he could fix but cannot due to distance. The furnace guy did not show up, there are mice in the house, the roof leaks, the lawn tractor doesn’t work right. All these things just call to us to come home and set them right. Now my wife is very competent. 99% of these problems she can fix and doesn’t need my help. That doesn’t matter. I still feel this need to solve them and I launch into a long questioning session to get as much information so that I can solve the problem. The conversation usually ends sometime after this, and I end up feeling helpless and frustrated over things I cannot control.
This is not to say that the wife should not tell me about problems or ask for advice. I want her to. However, she should be aware of how my mind works. Saying something like “There was a problem with…. but I did….. and everything is good” would go a long way to easing my pain.
I guess my advice to all women with husbands overseas is to remember that he likely has some romantic ideal of you when he calls. Try not to burst this fantasy if you can, as it helps to sustain us. By all means tell us what is going on at home, good and bad, as it helps to remind us why we are here. Remember how our minds work and try to do it in a way that minimises our frustration.
I think I will call the wife and tell her I love her.
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