New Year's Resolutions

I am not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions.

If you want to make a change in your life, no need to wait for a new year to do it. That said, New Year's is a good excuse to get started.

I made a number of resolutions this year, two of which are to lose weight and to write/blog more. So why not combine the two and write about weight loss.

I am six feet tall, 228 pounds and 41 years old. Not grossly overweight, but enough that my doctor recommends losing 10-15 pounds. I have decided to go farther than that. I am finally going to get in the shape that I have always wanted. My weight problem is three parts. Overeating, lack/no exercise, and an improper diet. The improper diet is probably the least of my worries. I barely drink alcohol, don't drink coffee, and stay away from sugar, except for the occasional Coke Zero.

I am going to use a modified Atkins diet. I tried it out a few months ago and lost 15 pounds in two weeks, so I am confident that it will work but it will not be easy. My food weakness is not sweets, it's salty. I love potato chips. I love carbs, especially bread and pasta.


While I also enjoy many of the things on the Atkins plan, such as meat and various vegetables fried in butter, I do get tired of them pretty quick. This helps me reduce my food intake.

This weight loss project is also part of another, larger effort, the details of which I am not ready to divulge at this time. 

Check back for weekly updates. Posts on my progress will be a few weeks behind real time.

Wisdom of a Four Year Old - Surprise!

Context:  K used to come up behind me, yell surprise and scare the bejesus out of me.


K: SURPRISE! It's safe to scream when Daddy is away.

The Twins - Thoughts From When They Were One Year Old

This was originally written in December of  2007. I could not post it at the time, but I think I am able to now.
 ***
Robert Latimer is back in the news. He is up for day parole. I was not aware he was still in prison. He has served 15 years of his life sentence.

I lack detailed knowledge about his daughter's medical situation, but there are some parallels to J's, at least in the effects.

Although barely one year old, our doctors have been mentioning about her hip. Her lack of control over her muscles cause them to contract involuntarily and are causing a hip to pull out of alignment. It may require surgery or a brace, or something.

When we go out, I am constantly asked about the girls. J is obviously smaller and seems like a newborn while K is obviously at least a year old. People wonder how they can be so close together in age. When I tell them they are twins, you can see they are even more confused. However, I don't normally offer an explanation unless asked.

J's head is about half the size of her sister and has not really grown since she was born. I have seen the MRI scan of her brain. White spots indicate tissue and black indicate no tissue/fluid. The black spots were larger than the white. Seeing those pictures immediately dashed any hopes I might have had for her to have anything close to a normal life. She has somewhere between 25-30% the higher brain mass of a normal child. How can therapy work with something that is not there? I don't expect she will progress beyond the mental age of a 1-3 month old baby. K is growing up fast. Yesterday she walked unassisted for the first time. Yet every milestone that K passes reminds me of the one that J will never meet.

Right now is a bit of a false spring. We have an appointment in a few weeks and they will be looking at her hip and the curve in her spine. I can now pretend that I have two daughters, one that is over a year old and another who is just born. However, we will soon have to face J's dislocating hip and severely curved spine. I expect that life will increasingly become more painful for her, require more invasive procedures, and require more hard decisions from her parents.

I can see ourselves in a future situation similar to the one that the Latimer family faced fifteen years ago.

It is true what they say about judging a man before you walk in his shoes. Although we have no idea how long J will survive, I cannot fathom life without her. As I write this, she sleeps quietly in the living room, finally having worn herself out during tummy time. I can think of nothing more beautiful than her sleeping face.

You really do not understand love until you experience the love you have for your own children.

Wisdom of a Four Year Old - Bushism

K: I fix-itized it.

Does K have Asperger's?

I recently learned a bit about Aspergers Syndrome partially through this humorous video filmed as a promo spot for a fictitious new TV show on the CW called "Asperger's High". 


My new interest was caused by reading this post about what it is like to have sex with someone who has Asperger's. She has had several startups and writes about her life on her blog (and she has Asperger's).


One of the aspects of Asperger's is abnormalities of social interaction. If you watch the video linked about Asperger's High, you will see exactly what life with K is like. Sometimes I feel like I am living in Asperger's High and I am the only non Asperger's person. K will come up to me all the time and tell me something completely unrelated to anything that is going on. And then she will start streaming her thoughts, as if she has to say everything she is thinking. It's like a fire hose of consciousness. Sometimes, when I am tired, I find it difficult to take.


Even though K perfectly displays this aspect of Asperger's she shows none of the other aspects.


I think she is just being five.

Big Announcement at the MLWGF House

The Wife is Pregnant.


We are just over 4 months into it. The baby is due in April 2012.


We have the next ultrasound at the end of the month. So far they have found only one, but last time at this time they thought it was one. No reason to expect more than one, but the Wife has been joking about it. 


I can't imagine what I would do if it was twins again.

Big Announcement Coming

I have not been posting to this blog much in the last few weeks. I have been writing on my other blog. I am going to start paying more attention to this blog and you will see a lot more posts in the next little bit.


But first, I am going to make a big announcement on Saturday, 19 November. It's not a cure for cancer or some big invention that will change the world. It is of a personal nature.


Feel free to guess in the coments.

Why I Hate Remembrance Day Repost

Here is a repost of a post I made about Remembrance Day a few years ago.

Wisdom of a Four Year Old - Remembering Names

Me: "What are the names of the twin boys in your class?"


K: "I dunno. Red and Blue I guess."

Random Hospital Thoughts

I think, in my next life, I am going to get a job at a hospital. There are a lot of hot women that work in the medical profession. Having a good paying job doesn't hurt either.

A Tough Few Days

It has been a tough few days.


Friday I took K to the hospital to visit J. As we finished our visit and stepped out of the room I said to K, "I am just going to talk to the nurse, I will be right back." I assumed that she would wait right there for me. I went about 15 feet down the hall and spoke to our nurse about J. I was probably gone for maybe a minute. K should have been able to hear my voice the entire time. When I get back she is not there. I call her name. No answer. Where did she go? Where could she have gone in such a short time? I call all around the ward, nothing. A woman sees me calling and offers to help. She leaves the ward to check in the main hall. I think "There is no way she could be out there. She cannot reach or even open that heavy door, plus why would she leave when she knew where I was and could hear me talking to the nurse?" I forget that five year olds do not use logic. Another minute of calling/looking around the ward convinces me she must be in the hall. There are some people sitting right outside the ward door. They confirm that a little blond haired girl in a light blue coat went by them a few minutes ago. I find her crying with the woman who offered to help look for her about 200 meters down the hall. How did she get so far so fast and why? I want to beat her with a stick, but she is so upset that I can only console her. She says she thought I left without her. 


To add insult, I cannot find the car in the parking lot. I think people who cannot rere they parked are embarrassingly dumb. Today, I is one. I have been to this hospital so many times that the days are merging into one big haze. I walk around the parking lot on multiple levels, dragging a 5 year old by the hand looking for the car. Checking all the spots we have parked in the last 40 days. I start to think the car must have been stolen. I find the car, right where I left it.


Saturday, the Wife goes to visit J. As she discusses with the staff the next steps to get her off the breathing machine, they laugh when she talks about the process that I had understood we would follow on Friday. The hospital is a big bureaucracy. Sometimes the hands do not talk to each other. The Wife is upset. I will have to go in on Sunday to straighten it out.

Wisdom of a Four Year Old - Finish Your Supper

K (to the dog): "You have to finish your bone first, then you can go scare the Moose."

The Household is Down

A bad last 2 days at the MLWGF household. 


The Wife is sick, some sort of stomach bug (throwing up). K was sick this morning, and I don't feel 100% (but I am still able to function). And J is still in the hospital (but doing well). 


I have not been able to visit, as I am taking care of the ones at home. I guess it is lucky that she is still in the hospital, as she might catch what we have.

Wisdom of a 5 Year Old - Adult Relationships

K: Daddy, do you know where Mommy is?


Me: Mommy? Who is that?


K: You know who Mommy is! She is the person you argue with all the time.


Me: Oh ya. Now I remember.

Hospital Update #2

On Saturday J was moved from the intensive care unit to the normal ward. This is a positive step and I think she will be coming home soon.

The next step is to slowly reduce the amount of pressure the machine is putting out and see if her lungs can handle it. They will also try removing the breathing support for a short time, slowing increasing the amount of time as she shows she can handle it.

I am very positive about her recovery. She looks very strong. I think she will do well at each step and she is stronger and better than the doctor's think. I have been saying this for some time and have yet to be proven wrong.

I hope to have her home by Thursday.

Is She Trying to Piss Me Off?

This happens a lot and happened today while we were at the hospital. 

We are sitting down eating our lunch after visiting J in the hospital. I am enjoying my pizza and relaxing. K is eating her lunch. She is eating yogurt with large chunks of fruit in it and using a spoon. The fruit is big and she is having trouble getting it on the spoon and getting it into her mouth. Has she complained about it? No? Is she asking for help with it? No. But the Wife thinks she needs help so she goes and gets a fork to use and then tries to get the kid to use the fork.

I am not big on helping kids. I subscribe to the theory of supervised neglect. If a kid leaves the house without a coat and it is cold outside, nature will smarten them up. Eventually the kid will think to wear his/her coat without you having to tell them. Who wants a 17 year old son who still needs his mother to tell him to wear a coat? K is five, so you have to be a bit more careful, but the principle applies. I try to get her to think about what she needs, not tell her and then get it for her. For example, if it was me who noticed that she needed a fork, I would ask her, “Are you having trouble eating your fruit? Do you need a fork?” If she said yes, I would tell her that the forks were over there and she should go and get one.

Not the wife. With her its all “You need a fork, I will go get you one.” It bugs me, but hey, if she wants to spend all dinner getting up every 40 seconds to solve invented problems that is her business.

But then she tries to get me involved. Not one minute after she get the fork, K knocks it off the table and on to the floor. It is dirty and cannot be used. The wife asks me “Honey, will you get K a new fork?” Here I am, tired, just sitting down and enjoying my lunch, about to take a big bite out of my nice cheese pizza, and now I have to get up? I don't mind if she tries to help K, mother her, assuage her feelings of guilt for not staying home by smothering her and doing everything for her as if she was an invalid, but don't bring me into it.

This happens all the time and I am surprised how much it pisses me off. If I had a nickel for every time the wife asked be to get something for one of the kids within 15 seconds of me sitting down on the couch. She thinks its fair to force me to get something because she just got up to get something, when the kid could have got both of those things for herself, or didn't care about it anyway.

She never did use that fork.

Hosptial Update

J is doing well.


The breathing tube came out a few days ago and a bunch more lines came out yesterday. Right now she only has her feeding attached (which she would have at home anyway) and a breathing mask which forces air into her lungs to keep them inflated (called bipap (sp?))


I am not sure she even needs that. She looks back to her normal self. In fact, she has for at least the last five days. They are still very cautious and are saying that it will probably be another 7-10 days. That seems way too long to me. I have already put them on notice that I think she is good now. I will give them over the weekend to see how she does and then really start to push it.

Wisdom of a Four Year Old - Spelling

K (singing): I love to spell! S-B-E-L-L!

Nature vs ?

I find the different ways that boys and girls act to be interesting. Before 5 years old, boys and girls are not supposed to really understand their differences. Anyone who is a parent knows that is crap and the boys and girls are different right from the start.

I was recently the volunteer at K's Kindergarten class. It was library day, so everyone had to line up and walk to the library behind the teacher. I followed behind to prevent any escapes. One of the rules is that the kids have to walk with their hands behind their back. I think this is to prevent them from pushing, poking or hitting each other as they walk down the hall. It is quite a ways from their classroom to the library  and due to their short attention spans, the line ends up snaking all through the school. The teacher cannot watch them all. You wouldn't think 15 five year old kids would need 75 yards of space, but they do.

Just before we leave the class they are reminded that they are to walk with their hands behind their backs. We start to walk and I decide to take a little poll to see how many are following directions. There are nine girls and six boys in the class. Eight of nine girls have their hands behind their backs. Not one boy has his hands behind his back. While the girls are clustered together and following close behind each other, the boys are all over the place, swinging their arms, looking around, goofing off and causing the line to take up so much real estate.

Boys and girls are not the same and no amount of nurture will make it so.

Wisdom of a Four Year Old - Boys and Girls

K: Daddy, I want you to stop doing boy things to me.

Me: What boy things?

K: Pinching me, poking me, saying "stinky" all the time...

Me: Why?

K: Girls things should only be done to girls and boy things to boys. If you do boy things to girls they will turn into a boy.

Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

J has been in the hospital for over a week now.

Overall, she is doing much better. She is off the morphine, the blood pressure drugs and her 10 day antibiotic series ends tomorrow.

She is still has the breathing tube in. They hoped to remove it as early as last Wednesday, but she is not ready. The way they do it is to slowly lower the amount of pressure it is putting into her lungs. As they lower the pressure at some point she has a bit of trouble breathing, forcing them to raise it up. However, each time the new standard seems to be lower, so we are making slow progress. The problem is her left lung. Due to her curved spine, her left lung is squished in her body and this is where the pneumonia always starts. Every day they seem hopeful that they might be able to remove the tube in 2 days, but every night she seems to have trouble with the lower level of pressure, forcing them to raise it again. But we are getting closer. The pressure level is a lot lower then when she first came in.

I am hopeful that it may be removed soon, but I have learned to take their predictions with a grain of salt.

As of Friday, they have confirmed that she has another bug, this one quite nasty and tough. She may have caught it in the hospital. Fortunately, it has not advanced far (not like the last one), so it may not take as long to kill. They recently upped the dosage of the antibiotic, so that seems a bit of a concern to me.

More updates as they come.

Wisdom of a Four Year Old - Rewards

Context: As part of potty training, we used to give K candy for successfully using the toilet.

K: Can I have another lollipop.... it was a really long poop!

Back to the Hospital

J is in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit of the Stollery.

We had to call an Ambulance for her last night around supper time.

She has been sick for the last few days. She is at high risk for pneumonia. Because she doesn't move much a cold can quickly become pneumonia. Most children in her situation get pneumonia and die, eventually. I expect that one of these times, she will not be able to recover.

She seemd to be ok on Friday. We have a caregiver come in once a week, on Friday. She had a daughter in J's situation, so when she is sick I always get her as a second opinion. We were both concerned, but she did some physical therapy we do in these situations and she seemed better throughout the day.

Several time I have taken J in to the doctor concerned that she might have pneumonia, only to have her be ok. Other times we waited too long and had to go to the hospital. This was one of the latter times. Yesterday she was coughing a bit and sleeping more than usual but I thought this just might be due to the cold and her body trying to get over it. I checked her again later and she was very pale. I picked up her arms and they dropped to her sides like a dead fish. Her breathing was very shallow. I knew this was not normal and more than just "cold" sick.

They sent us the paramedics and had to send the ambulance from Tofield as all the others were on calls. After putting in a breathing tube, we took the ride to the Stollery, siren screaming, the full meal deal. Thanks to everyone on Whyte Ave who moved quickly out of our way.

She seemed to be stable throughout the ride but as we arrived at the hospital, her heart rate dropped dangerously. As we started moving through the emergency ward, the paramedic monitoring her vitals announces "Heart rate dropping, 50. We have to move, now." Since her heart rate was around 120 at home when they were working on her, that is quite low. We start running through the ward with him calling out progressively lower numbers. "Forty-five. Forty. Now thirty-five. Thirty." I thought her heart was going to stop right there. They got her in and started working on her.

I have been the "Concered Parent" a number of times now, and I always find it interesting how the medical people deal with me. Not that they don't like the family/parents, but you know that parents can be add complications to their job. They are doing things that may not look nice to your child and you can see how a hysterical parent can be distracting. I find it interesting how they offer to get you to sit down (always in a corner where it is harder to see), and ask you all this background information such as name, date of birth, Alberta Health Card number (J spent a month in this hospital when she was born, what with computers I am sure they have all this stuff). The one thing they do ask which I like to answer is about her condition, is she usually this pale, what other hospital stays, etc. This information is useful, might help them and it does serve to distract me.

They got her stabilized and up to the PICU. The wife and K came to pick me up and we left at about 11 pm last night. I am about to leave to spend some time with her. We called this morning and she is stable although the nurse told me that her heart rate is down a bit. They think this is due to all the drugs they have running through her system. They are taking her off some of these slowly, so things should go up.

Thanks to all the doctors, nurses and EMT's who helped my daughter last night.

Wisdom of a Four Year Old - Growing Up

K: Mommy, what will I be when I grow up?

Mommy: Anything you want, Sweetheart.

K: OK. Then I will be a Grasshopper.

Wisdom of a Four Year Old - Reality

I am going to start a weekly feature here at MLWGF called wisdom of a Four Year Old.

K has said a number of things that are funny or profound. I will post a new one every Friday and include some context if necessary.

Wisdom of a Four Year Old - Reality

K: Daddy, how do I know that when I wake up I am not still in a dream?"

Me: "I don't know."

You Don't Win Friends With Salad

The wife and I are fans of The Simpsons (the older seasons, when they were cutting edge, not the crap they put out now). Without The Simpsons, we might not have every been married, but that is another story.

About a year ago, we were watching the Lisa the Vegetarian episode, most famous for the above clip. Lately, I have been going a bit crazy and have started to sing all sorts of weird songs when driving with the kids in the car. Mostly jingles, kids TV songs, or nonsense, made up on the spot songs. K recently picked up on this habit and, out of the blue, started singing "You don't win friends with salad" while we were driving in the car. I, of course, joined in.

After a few minutes of this, I realized this may not be such a good thing. Four year olds tend to say the things they have learned at inopportune times. I could see her telling some adult "you don't win friends with salad" during a meal at their home. Also, I thought she may get the idea that friends are something you are supposed to gain by giving them somethings. So I decided that I best explain that this song was a joke and how you should make friends.

Her reply: "But Daddy, you should be friends with everyone, even salad."

Best Book Ever

This book encapsulates what every parent feels at one time or another about bedtime.

Kneel Before the Power of the Fire Sharks

K's soccer team, the Fire Sharks, are crushing the opposition.

There are a few boys on the team that are a bit older than the average and have played before. Once they get the ball, they simply dribble down the field and kick it in the net. We try to keep it even by manipulating the lines. It got so bad that, during a game last week, the other coach asked me if I could do something so her kids didn't get discouraged, such as asking our team to ease off. I am not a big fan of telling kids to do less than their best.However, these kids are 4-5 years old, and the good players are very competitive. I knew that that would not work. We had to put all the girls on a line to allow the other team to score and keep it a bit even.

The most interesting thing is the difference in style of play between the genders. The boys are all aggressive and go it there kicking, even giving the elbow or a little push to jockey for the ball. K will go to the ball, but half the time she stops when she gets to it, as if to say "No, you take it this time." Other times she just runs after the pack, laughing to herself, not even paying attention to what is going on.

I guess my dream of her playing on Canada's first female FIFA world cup winning team is dead.

Surprise Brithday for the Wife

This month the wife turned 40.

I decided to throw a surprise party for her. Actually, I have been planning it for over a year and was going to do it last year.

The wife is very suspicious. Any change in routine sets off her spider sense. Once that is going, she starts paying attention to other things and builds up to figuring what you are up to. As an example, if she is on the couch watching TV I might ask her if she wants something to drink. Her reply will most often be, "Yes, but you are not getting any tonight." I, of course, reply with righteous indignation. However, she would be correct as to my motives.

Suffice it to say, for a variety of reasons, she is very attuned to any changes in behaviour or activity. You can see that presented real challenges to pulling off a surprise party.

I thought about doing the surprise for her 39th, but that seemed sort of lame. So I started the planning last year. The party itself was very easy, BBQ in the backyard and invite all her friends. The hard part was keeping it secret.

To pull off the surprise I used a combination of secrecy and misdirection.

The first part was to say nothing to K. I forbid those who were helping me from saying the P word (party) in her presence. We had a family only party before the surprise party, and K gave away some of that. The wife even asked K some questions, trying to get information out of her. Luckily, K did not know anything and 4 year-olds have a problem with linear time. The wife told me later that when she hit up K for info, she said something about a party, but started giving her info about the family party, as if it was still to happen.

To help keep the surprise, all communication was done by email. I forbid anyone from calling me on the phone. Our phone saves all received calls, so I started deleting those on a regular basis, a few months prior, to build up a pattern. During the day as I surf the web, I usually keep my browser open and she often uses my login to surf when she comes home. I was sure I would forget and she would see my hotmail open with "Re: Surprise 40th birthday party" on an email header. I had to password protect my login. I thought this might be enough to set her on the trail, but I had a few things going for me. I had kept a password on my login before, and, just before I was going to put up the password, K got onto the laptop and closed all my tabs on a bunch of stuff I was reading. I made a big deal about this and then put on the password.

The misdirection was the most important part of the plan. She put on a surprise for my 40th, so no matter what, she was going to expect me to do the same. My plan was twofold. Have a family, low key party and rely on my reputation as a lazy, insensitive husband.

Her actual birthday was a week before the surprise. She had asked me to go to a dance with her the night before. She is always appreciative when I attend these functions, so that, plus a spa day I gave her (the thing to get her out of the house on the day) should be enough as a present. I got a friend of hers to go with her (to keep her under control), but even that raised suspicion. I had to coordinate with her to ensure we had our story straight, as the wife was sure to ask her. The story was I happened to bump into this friend and had mentioned to her that I had got the wife a spa day. The friend had then said that she had been wanting to go to a spa and would go with her. Again, as luck would have it, I actually bumped into her friend before this was to happen (although the story was already coordinated by email). One cannot just mention this to the wife. If you just start to tell her stuff, she will get suspicious as to why you are giving out this information. Luckily, I had K with me. One of my routines is to have K tell mommy what we did today. This was a great opportunity to get the information out that we had seen this friend and set up the plausible reason as to why she was going with the wife.

A funny bit to this saga, the friend who was to take her to the spa invited her for one of these Tupperware type parties (but it is not Tupperware, its something else that I cannot remember). The wife thought that this might be the surprise. She must have been so disappointed going into the party.

In conclusion, the surprise was a success. I think the wife is a bit upset that she was not able to figure it out. She prides herself on detecting these things. When I asked her if she was surprised, she played it down a bit, but I know I got her. She just doesn't want to admit it.

Future surprise notes: One may not wish to use a spa day where they get a deep tissue massage, to keep the surprisee away from the party. They tend to look tired and underwhelmed. Not the best way to act when you have 20+ people at your house.

Not A Good Dad

I don't like the kind of father I am turning out to be.

K asks a lot of questions, makes a lot of demands and statements, as any four year old will do. I seem to get exasperated with her very easily. When I am doing something I tend to focus on it to the exclusion of everything else and any disruption or interruption is unwelcome. It forces me to change my focus. It is never a problem with adults, but K will fire off a constant stream of statements, usually when I am having difficulty dealing with her sister. I cannot keep the exasperation out of my voice when I answer " Yes, K".

I find that adults tends to think kids understand less than they do. K is smart, I think she already knows that her dad's answer really means that he does not want to talk to her right now. That is not how I want my relationship with my daughter to be.

J is sick, she has a viral infection. Infections and colds are dangerous for her. Because she cannot move around, the usual was of clearing ones lungs are difficult. Most children in her situation die of pneumonia or something related to it.

When she is sick I get worried and stressed. Last night I was holding her for 30 minutes while her body spasmed with coughing, as we tried to get the stuff out of her lungs. During these times, my worry is at its peak, as I deal with the feelings of helplessness, guilt for not doing enough and the what ifs. Of course, it is during this time that K will come up to me and demand juice or tell me that Santa's elves are very talented. Wrapped up in my own worry and doubt, I cannot keep the exasperation out of my voice.

I am pushing her away with my tone. Someday soon she will realize it, if she has not already.

How can I change these feelings? Will I lose both of my children, one to early death, the other to her father's rudeness?

Introducing the Fire Sharks

We signed up K, who is now 4 years old, for soccer this year with the local association. I got wrangled into being the coach. I played soccer up until University and am familiar with the game. take anyone's job I signed up to be an assistant coach. soon after they called me up desprately asking me to be the head coach. At the U6 level, the coach is really the guy who brings the equipment and collects the jersey security cheques from the parents.

However, one of the key things you have to do is pick a team name. The association sets your team name like NASCAR, so everyone is Team (last name of the coach). It's not like I paid for the team, so I don't think naming it after me is appropriate. I decided we would let the kids decide, so before our second game we had a vote.

Due to me being the last one to pick up our jerseys, we got silver as our colour. I liked the name the Silverbacks, but another good suggestion from one of the players was the sharks. Unfortunately, by the second game he had entirely forgotten about his suggestion and wanted to be called the fire hawks.

We put it up to a vote, and, of course, my attempt to dodge any responsibility for the name failed as three voted for fire hawks and three for sharks.

Coaches command decision: Fire Sharks.

Adventures in Beekeeping - Prelude

We have decided to take up Beekeeping as a hobby.

When we moved out of the city, part of our reasoning was to have a bit of a hobby farm. We wanted to have a dog but I don't beleive in having one unless you have lots of room. Also, being more independent, living off the grid, all those things appealed to me. So anything that helps prepare for the Zombie Apocalyse is of interest to me.

Why Bees? Unfortunately, the left wing wife is a bit squemish when it comes to the harvesting part of farming. I am no expert (we both grew up in the suburbs), but the point rasing your own food is to eat it. The wife wants to have all kinds of animals but she refuses to eat them. I am not having a herd of cows or sheep just to watch them die of old age. That is a pretty expensive (and tasty) herd of pets. We are not so rich that we can afford to feed all these animals and not get anything back. We already have two children, I am not adding more unproductive animals to the mix.

So why bees? They are a compromise. They are relativley cheap (I spent less than $500 for everything needed to get started) and it is not such a big deal if I screw up and kill them all. They need some care, but not as much as many animals, and if you neglect them the most likely result is no honey, as opposed to a stinking cow carcass.

And if we get our place designated as a hobby farm, I can cut my property taxes by half.

Posting Again

I am going to start posting again. Things have been busy around here. With the kids growing up and various new hobbies we are pursuing, there might be stuff worth posting.

This blog will focus on the following (in no particular order):

Deal with the left wing wife
Dealing with the kids
Taking care of a severely handicapped child
Country life around our 20 acres
Beekeeping (just started it yesterday)
Politics

So expect a wide variety of stuff with a focus on the lighter side.

If anything I post interests or informs you, great. If not, too bad.

It really is more about me, not you.

Thank you Al Gore

Here is a picture taken of my back yard on Friday.

Global Warming my ass!

Normally, there is so little rainfall in our part of Alberta, I can go much of the summer without having to cut the grass. Spring is the time I have to do most of the cutting, and this spring has been very wet. I consider spring begun when I have to do my first cutting.

K did get one last chance to build a snowman. The snow was think and easy rolling. I had cut the grass twice before this snowfall. With the two cuttings, there was a lot of mulch on the lawn.

She named the snowman "Grassy".

Irony thy name is The Laugh Shop

The wife had her birthday on Friday, so I took her out for Indian food and to a local comedy club called The Laugh Shop.

Now, I have been to comedy clubs before. I wanted a seat not too far in the back so we could see, but not too close to the front, so as not to be in the firing line. Guess where they put us? The club is very small, so our table was to one side, practically on the stage. The light was shining in my eyes and it felt like we were on stage with the guy. There was another table beside us, in the same situation, however, those people did not show up. On the other side of the stage there was a large party so their tables were pushed together, out of the light. Even the front row, directly in front, was less obvious than us, as they were out of the light and much lower than the stage. Ironic.

I was the biggest target all night. To be fair, I offered us up when I volunteered that the wife was having a birthday. Of course, the guy focused on me instead.

His name was Mike and was from New York, and served as the opening act for the headliner. I actually thought he was funnier than the other guy.

After picking on some poor blue collar, already half in the bag already guy Trevor, he focused on me. His main thing was suggesting that I was "retarded", that I thought my family were pickles, and I was going to my house on the moon after the show. He called me "Pickle" all night and did the stereotypical mannerisms of a "retarded" person. The crowd thought it was funny. I, less so, seeing as I was the butt of the jokes.

As our daughter is severely mentally handicapped, the wife was not too impressed and was going to write about our situation on the back of the comment card. I stopped her. Some of you may know of a case brought up to a Human Rights Commission in B.C. where this comic made fun of some lesbians. Comedy can be hit and miss, but I would rather the guy be free to say what he wants. Writing on the comment card would do nothing, except perhaps for the owner to refuse some acts because they might offend. Being offended is a chance you take and I would rather take that chance than have censorship.

I did not get a chance to bring up the situation of our daughter. Too bad, I thought that would be really funny, in a put-the-comic-in-his-place sort of way.

The sad thing is, I wish and I pray that my daughter was only as mentally handicapped as the stereotype that Mike portrayed. Imagine if J could walk, talk, take interest in things and smile.

That is irony.

More posting

Well, things have been a bit busy around the house for the last few years. However, I think it is time to start up this blog again. I will begin posting, some recent stuff and also looking back and updating on our lives.

Update: You may find things a bit disjointed. I will be writing about the last 2 years as well as what has been going on recently. It's my blog, so you will just have to suck it up.

The Challanges of being a Stay-At-Home Dad

Let me be completely honest. I didn't think taking care of the kids would be very hard. Cooking, washing clothes, etc, it's not that difficult. My opinion hasn't changed. What has changed is my appreciation of the mental aspects. I had no idea my sanity would be taxed this much. I wanted to have kids, and found, for the most part, I enjoyed dealing with them. I helped teach taekwondo for a few years, so had some small measure of an idea what they were like.

I am still able to deal with my daughters in a way I am happy with, the problem comes when I get frustrated, angry, etc. This, I think, is when most parents act or deal with their children in a way that they are not proud of. We are all human, we all make mistakes The key is reducing those moments to the smallest number possible.

The main mental challenge I face is the isolation. Two year old conversation consists mostly of "Don't do that", or "Put that down!"interspaced with "Why are you crying?", "Tell Daddy what you want", and "Use you words".

In order to keep from going insane, you have to get out. Unfortunately, a few things conspire to make this difficult. Firstly, I am a bit of a home body. I like to stay at home, in my sanctuary. Having two the same age also makes it more difficult, as well as Jocelyn's situation.

But the last thing is the most difficult. People can claim otherwise, but the only reason any parent takes the kids anywhere is to talk to other adults and have an adult conversation. The kids don't really care. My daughter will find a cardboard box or a rock as interesting as a trip, so why go through all the trouble of getting them dressed, getting diapers, toys, wipes, food, etc together just to go somewhere when they would be just as happy at home?

It's for the parents.

That is where being a man is a problem. In this area of Alberta anyway, being a stay at home dad is still a bit of a novelty. Based on my own observations, 99.9% of all stay at home parents are women. When the Wife was pregnant, she came across a stay at home mom group advertising at the local mall. She asked if her husband could join, as he was going to stay home with the kids. They laughed. They were tripping over themselves once they saw she was serious, but, even with all the crap about equality over the past 20 years, it did not occur to them that she might be serious.

So how to join one of these groups? Although I am sure I would be outwardly welcomed, (politically correctness and all that) I feel a bit uncomfortable. It is always all women except me, and I feel like an outsider. I feel like the only guy at the slumber party and I am somehow inhibiting these people from being themselves. I understand that, as any group of guys is not the same when there are women in the group. Besides, they want to talk about women things, which I am not very interested in. The only thing we share in common is raising kids, and that is the last thing I want to talk about. The only solution is some sort of Dad group.

As you can imagine, in our area there are plenty of mom groups around. Dads, not so much. Stay at home dads are somewhat like sightings of Bigfoot or the Lock Ness Monster. When people find out I look after the kids, they often say they know a friend of a friend of a friend who stays at home with their kids. However, no one knows their names or has ever met them. So far, I have heard of two other men in our town looking after kids, and both of these had all the detail and credibility of a Bigfoot sighting.

If there are any guys in the Edmonton area wanting to prevent kid-induced insanity, drop me a line.

A Severe Lack of Posting

I haven't posted on this blog for over three months. I just haven't felt like it.

Well, that is not completely true. When the problem with my daughter came about, the focus of this blog changed. The political of differences in world view between my wife and I became less important. I hoped that this blog would be more about dealing with our situation and would provide information to other stay at home dads and those dealing with one mentally handicapped twin. A somewhat small set of people.

I hoped that this blog would provide information and support. I hoped it would provide hope.

And that is the real reason for a lack of posting. The truth is I have not been very hopeful these last few months. In fact, I have been depressed. More depressed than I have been anytime in my life.

I think I am a generally upbeat person, more about getting on with it than wallowing in mistakes or situations that I could not change. I recognize now that there have been difficult times in the past that have affected me. But never has it been this bad.

The truth is I am not interested in getting up in the morning. Each day is exactly the same. Get up, change babies, stop one of them from doing various things, encouraging others, feed them, make dinner, put them to bed. Repeat until death. In fact, I have spent more time in escapist pursuits, such as reading, to make me forget about my situation. In fact, I am like a crack addict, my life being counted out between "hits", except my hits are those times when I can forget that my life is all about menial tasks that never end, and will never end because one of my children will never be able to take care of herself in any way.

I have more respect for my stay at home mom than ever. I don't know how she did it and I have felt many times over the past few months that I cannot. I always thought I would be a good father. Staying home and looking after the children has made me question that.

In addition to constantly questioning my fitness as a parent, there is Jocelyn. I can't help but be depressed every time I think about her. With what limited mental capacity she has, I can still see a personality there. All I can think about is the lost potential of her life. And the close sister that Katherine is missing out on. The unique experience of having an identical twin, which should have been a wonderful experience for both of them, is gone.

And then, in moments of my own selfishness, I think of myself. The one thing about having kids and going through all this with them is the thought that they will eventually grow up. I can survive a few years of changing diapers and blowing runny noses if there is light at the end of the tunnel. Except there is no light. Jocelyn will never grow up. For the rest of my life or hers, I will be looking after an infant. The only release from this obligation will be death of one of us. Since if I die I won't care about getting my life back, the only way my family will ever be normal is if she does. And it is a likely occurrence. Most kids in her situation survive five or ten years. So, my salvation from a life of being responsible for every aspect of my child's life is her death. I hate thinking this. Yet I cannot imagine what life would be like without her and I would miss her terribly. So, release from this obligation means a giant hole in my life and the guilt that some part of me, however small, wished for it to happen. Or I can continue to have this obligation, with no end in sight and the feelings that go along with it.

I have heard how often some people, after many years of life, are accepting of death. Either they feel they have lived a good life or welcome death as a release from pain, physical or emotional. I never understood that. I always thought that I would want to live forever, always interested in what might happen next and in seeing everything there might be to see in this universe.

Not anymore.

How you know there is nothing they can do for your child..

...when they start to focus on you.

Yesterday we took Jocelyn for her appointment with a specialist who focuses on the problems with her spine and hip. We got pretty much what we expected, but some, sort of good news. Although her spine is curving and will likely eventually bend her so it starts to compress her organs on that side, there is a small chance it may not progress any further. Also, it will take many years, (probably 4) before it gets that bad, so we have time. The same thing for her hip. Although it appears to be starting to dislocate, there is a chance it will progress no further. We have about 2 years before that becomes critical. We can pretend to be a normal family for a bit longer.

The real interesting part comes after talking about her. This is when he talks about us, the parents, and alternative therapies. Alternate therapies are those with no studies showing they work or do not work. Alternative therapies range from stretching (no studies prove that this will help with her hip) to all sorts of weird, witch doctor type stuff.

effect, something like 40% of people will report improvement from anything as long as they He did not propose or endorse any of these things. He made it clear it is up to us and that we must look at it. (The wife has been doing a lot of research on this stuff and seemed to know more about some of them than he did. Also, due to the placebobelieve it may help.) The only caution he gave us is the effect that alternative therapies can have on a marriage and families. There are people who have mortgaged their house to pay for this stuff. As well, usually one spouse wants to try anything while the other thinks there is no point, and this leads to serious problems when the family is poor and living on the street and one spouse thought it was a waste of money.

So, it seems that since there is very little we can do for our daughter, the biggest problem we face is dealing with the effects of that and the possible break up of our marriage/family.

For me, I want to do what is best for our daughter. To me, that seems to be making her as comfortable as possible. At this point, there is nothing we can do to treat her problem, only the symptoms. I am not willing to mortgage the farm when it won't address the problem.

If there was even a slim chance we could treat the situation with her brain, I might feel differently.

Try these shoes on for a while

Robert Latimer is back in the news. He was up for parole this week after spending the last 15 years in prison.

There has been some discussion of this issue at SDA and Halls of macadamia, two blogs which I frequent.

I wanted to give a bit of perspective on this issue from someone who may be facing it in the future. My own opinion of Mr. Latimer is that while I don't condone what he did, I can understand the circumstances. He has more than paid his debt to society and should be released.

A lot of the comments I have read on this issue come from people that I think have not examined the situation.

Try this.

Look at your child. Bring up all the feelings you have for that child. All the love, the desire to protect, the feeling that you would do anything for that child. Now, imagine that when that child was 3 months old, you were told that, not due to anything that anyone did, through no fault of your own, it just being "one of those things", your child was severely brain damaged. Although that is not exactly true. The truth being that she does not have much of a brain to damage. In fact, you figure her brain is about 25% of her twin sister (the doctors don't tell you this, it is your estimate, based on the fact that her head is noticeably smaller than her sister and you saw the scans of her brain, and there was significantly more black areas (areas of nothing, just fluid), than white areas).

At your pediatrician's you ask how long she is expected to live. He says 5 years, 10, maybe 20, maybe more, we just don't know. However, he will tell you that he he has never seen a baby with this much damage survive (the doctor is in his sixties and has probably been practicing for over 40 years. He is well known throughout the city and is respected as a good doctor). He then suggests that you may want to consider how much you want to treat her when she gets sick. He tiptoes around the point by stating that in most of these cases, the baby gets pneumonia from fluid in the lungs and most parents deny extreme measures (ie antibiotics. (when did antibiotics become extreme?)) and after a few bouts of pneumonia, probably over a number of years, the patient dies.

Your wife drives home because you can't stop crying. And I mean crying, like uncontrollable sobs, while the words, "how can I make a decision to let my baby die" run over and over through you mind.

Fast forward one year. Your daughter is not in pain, but it is a struggle to get enough of the food she needs through the tube in her stomach. She throws up at least once a day, and you have spent the last year changing her feeding habits, formula, time and the rate in an effort to minimize it. When not asleep, she sounds as if she is fighting to breathe and not to choke. You have an appointment next week where you will discuss what to do about the fact that her muscle contractions are starting to force one hip out of alignment and she will probably dislocate it soon. Her spine is severely curved, even for a baby so young. At least she doesn't have seizures (they think she does not have enough brain matter to have them).

class or girl Now consider that, with such little brain matter, she is not going to get better. Her quality of life will not improve past that of a month old baby. She will never walk, talk, or feed herself. She will likely never reach for anything voluntarily, to form a desire to do something and then do it. She will never be able to say I love you daddy. You are not even sure what she can see or hear, although she does seem to, at times, turn towards the sound of your voice. You decide that you will take that as a sign that she knows that you are her dad and you will hold that as tight as you can.

However, you cannot live in a fantasy world all the time. You have to fact the facts. No amount of physical therapy, visual therapy, stimulation or anything is going to improve her quality of life, even though you do all of them. What else can you do? She is your child. Now, imagine forward ten or eleven years from now. The curved spine and hip are not going to get better. All they can do is slow the rate at which they progress. What will her hip and spine be like in then, if she is even alive? How much pain will she be in? What will her quality of life be like. Remember also that you have other children. You want their live to be as normal as possible. Do you want your other child to miss out on ballet and girl guides because of her sister? Do you want them to begin to resent their sister? What if your disabled daughter outlives you? She is your child, it is your duty to care for her, but do you really want to burden her sister with that when you die?

Welcome to my world.

Try putting yourself in Mr. Latimer's shoes before you condemn him.

Annoying Telemarketers

We recently got high speed internet access. Before, I would spend much of the day connected to the net at dial up speeds, browsing blog, read news, etc.

Now the phone is free. This is a good thing, as now I don’t mess calls about Jocelyn’s medical appointments.

However, the down side is now I am rushing to answer the phone and am getting all the telemarketers.

Citibank is the worst. We don’t have any business with them at all, which I suppose is why they are so insistent. They got the wife’s name somehow and they call at least once a week. Of course, she is never here when they call, so they always say they will call back. I few times I pretended to be her, just to see what they want (They don’t even have her first name, just an initial, so you know they are selling something). They just want us to use their credit card with the “new, low introductory rate offer”. How stupid do they think we are? Nine percent for the first few months then up to 18.75% and a yearly fee. Some deal.

Once, I thought I would test them a bit (Sometimes its nice to talk to an adult) I said I was interested but my present credit card has no fee, and I want a lower average rate, what can you do for me? The silence on the other end was deafening. They actually hung up on me.

Of course, that gets tiring real quick. So after only a few days of answering the phone where 90% of the time it is Citibank, I have had enough.

The next time they call I am going to threaten them by saying I will blow an airhorn in the phone if they do not stop calling. A Man’s home is supposed to be his castle and time is precious. I shouldn’t have to spend a portion of that fighting off salespeople.

Oh, and don’t talk to me about do not call lists. I should not have to call someone to tell them to stop calling me. I should be able to tell them when they call not to call anymore.

Why would I ever want to be their customer if they do not respect my wishes not to call me?

Trapped

I used to hear about how women could feel trapped staying at home. I would see/hear about shows, such as Oprah, where women would talk about how hard it was to be a stay at home parent. I would listen but never believe. I mean, stay at home, no stress from work, just throw in a few loads of laundry once in a while. How hard could that be?

I still believe it is easy in that respect, but it is the mental aspects that are the hardest.

You hear men (great fodder for comedy) talk about coming home from a hard day at work and the wife just laying into them about nothing, all mad about something very minor that happened days ago. They would chalk it up to hormones or something of that nature.

It's not hormonal, as I just experienced it.

For the last three hours I have been trying to get a few things done and make a few simple phone calls. Katherine has been very demanding of attention at the worst possible moments and cannot be distracted. I hate whining in children, and she can be very effective at it if she doesn't get what she wants.

After three hours of this I have a headache and I feel like I am going to snap. I just made a typo and I had an urge to throw this laptop.

I am angry. But I can't take it out on the children, because they do not know any better and then I would be a bad parent. The logical, or most readily available target is the wife.

If the wife can home right now I would find any excuse to start a fight so I could have an outlet.

Hopefully a telemarketer will call before she gets home so I can take it out on them.

Honey, if you are reading this at work, bring flowers.

First Words

I think Katherine said her first words today.

I was lying on the couch while she was climbing on me and she hit me in the chest and said "Da-da-da". It is not unusual for a child's first words to be da-da, and she has been saying that and much more for some time, but this is the first indication that it is not just random words. Of course, I have been pointing to my chest and saying "da-da" for months now, so it may just be random.

The wife, ever eager to rain on my parade, immediately announced that the other day Katherine hit herself in the chest and said "da-da", so it may be that she thinks that is the word for chest.

Either way, this will be the official date of her first word.

Another First

Yesterday, Katherine caused her first serious injury to herself.

I was in our living room and she was roaming. She moved into our bedroom and found some metal clothes hangers that were on the floor. Of course, everything goes into her mouth and she used the cut end to open a gash on the inside of her cheek.

I pieced this together after the fact. The first I knew of it was a loud scream and great gobs of blood in her mouth, over her clothes and on the floor.

Nothing too serious, and no trip to the hospital was required, but I have now experienced what it is like to hear a scream of distress from your child and come to find lots of blood from and unknown source.

Gone Swimming

Today was the start of extra activities with the twins. We went swimming at our local community rec center. At their age, swimming class consists of splashing, kicking and floating (with help). Katherine really enjoyed it, only becoming upset when I did not let her go off on her own. Jocelyn cannot participate at the same level as Katherine, but she did not cry and seemed to enjoy the water.

Unfortunately, every activity in the pool is done with a song, which is the usual repetitive jingles of children's songs. Fortunately there are no other fathers in the group and none of my Army buddies are there to see me. My own view of my manhood takes a bit of a hit when I am singing songs that start with "The frog says.."

There are some hot moms out there. I am going to have to start working out again.

P.S. Thanks to our friends and neighbours for helping me with the girls.

Happy Birthday Twins!

This week, the girls' had their first birthday. What a disaster.

One year is a bit young to get the whole presents thing, so I did not expect much. Dirt on the floor is new and exciting to a one year old, so a present is not much different.

For those of you do not know, putting a sparkler on a cake for a one year old is not a good idea.

After that, things went a bit downhill. I opened the presents, but Katherine was still a bit upset. Only the cake calmed her down, as she proceeded to shove fistfuls, as much as she could hold in her hand.

Katherine gets upset at times, but it usually doesn't last very long. That night she spent 45 minutes to an hour screaming as we were trying to put her to sleep, and not normal screaming, but the extremely loud, "I am really upset", screaming. Nothing we did could calm her down. We eventually just had to put her down and let it run its course. That is the first time she has ever done anything like that.

First Birthday: Twins receive some books, stuffed animals, and a toy drum. Parents receive a screaming fit the likes of which they have never experienced before.

I guess we will call that even.

Home Alone: Day 5

The Wife comes home tomorrow.

Yesterday and today went very well. I think I have a hang of this Mr Mom stuff. In fact, I got the kitchen clean for the first time in a year.

It is easy to keep things in proper order when you are by yourself. When the Wife is here, she usually makes dinner. Unfortunately, she thinks that making dinner means that just about every pot, pan dish or utensil must be used. And she leaves them all piled up in the sink for me to deal with. I prefer to clean as I go, to keep my workspace in good order and minimize the mountain of dishes at the end.

I have a good feeling that I can handle when she gets back to work. I like to be organized, and the house is still disorganized from when we moved two years ago. I have been deferring to her when it comes to the house, but it's time for me to embrace the housewife job fully.

There's a new sheriff in town.

Home Alone: Day 4

Things are going well.

Thursday was horrible, as Katherine was in a mood and would not stop going to her sister to play with her. We are trying not to discourage her from interacting with Jocelyn, but it is hard when playing consist of steamrolling over her or lying on her face.

Other than that, I have not left the house since the Wife left. The weather has been poor, constant rain or very cloudy, so I have not been able to put Katherine in her pool. Today looks better, with more sun. We are all going out no matter what. I don't care if it is to buy toilet paper, but I am getting out of this house before I go squirrelly.

Home Alone: The Wife is Gone

Well, the wife finally left me.

No, you don’t get to collect on the pool. She left for a 5 day trip with a group she belongs to, so I am here, alone with the babies. I consider this a test for when she goes back to work at the end of the month. I just got back from two weeks away and she survived, so how hard could it be?

She left me with only one rule to follow. Well, actually, she left me with about a million small rules. Everything from who wears what, when who gets to eat what, to what shampoo to use between the hours to 3 and 5 am on days ending in Y. (I exaggerate on the last one, but only just.) Anyway, being a man, I mostly tuned it all out. Being a military man, I prefer my instructions simple and to the point. So I distilled the millions of little pieces of advice into one overall point, or, as we like to call it, mission:

Keep the babies alive until I return.

Piece of cake.

Guilt and the Modern Woman

Part of the reason I married the Wife is she lacks some of the stereotypical female traits that I find annoying.

Some women need a man. The Wife does not. She is very independent. We met in our 30's and I know she married me, not because she had to, but because she wanted to. Even the ticking of the biological clock is not a factor in her case, as I was the one who wanted to have kids, while she was a bit ambivalent about it.

However, there are some stereotypical biological imperatives that even she cannot overcome.

Guilt.

The wife has her thing once a week. In addition, one of us often goes out to shop or run errands while the other stays home with the kids. We used to try taking them both, but having twins is a license for anyone to come up to you and say "Twins! How cute. My friend/sister/relative has twins." I estimate anything we do with the girls takes at least 10% longer from people coming up to talk to you.

Although the Wife may not have had a strong biological drive to have kids, some of those drives kicked in after. Most strongly was guilt.

Once a week, when she goes out for the evening, she comes back feeling guilty that she has "abandoned" them, despite the fact that I also go out one evening a week. We both have personal things to do, and I often tell her to take some extra time for herself when she is picking up groceries to get her hair done, whatever she wants. She always comes back feeling guilty for leaving the kids for so long, despite the fact that it was my idea and it was only 2 hours. Believe me, I do not feel any guilt when I am away for a few hours and browsing through Best Buy.

I am not proud of it, but sometimes I will use this to my advantage and overstate how things were while she was gone. “This one wouldn’t stop crying, the other one wouldn’t settle down, I have a headache” etc. This is usually good for at least a clean up of the kitchen.

I expect this will become a high payoff strategy when the Wife goes back to work and I have them all day.

A Day with a Social Workers is Like a Day Without Sunshine

I don't like social workers.

No offense to good social workers out there, but our experience has not been very positive.

About a day and a half after Jocelyn was born, she started to have seizures and had to go on medication. This was the first sign that something more was wrong than could be explained away by birth stress. The doc was very honest with us about it, and the Wife broke down and started to cry. There was a social worker hovering in the background who just about pounced on her with "How do you feel? Do you want to talk about it?" I have just found out that the chance of my daughter surviving has gone down significantly, how do you think I feel about it? And why would I want to share that with I person I have not even met before?

Needless to say, with the exception of one, throughout this whole process I have not met a good social worker. They seem to hover around waiting for you to have an emotional breakdown so they can swoop in and save the day. And they expect that I can't wait to share my innermost feelings with a total stranger whom I will never see again. Or they are spies looking to see if you can't deal with your baby so the heavy hand of the state can snatch it away. Perhaps I am a bit paranoid, but it isn't paranoia if they are out to get you.

The one we did like was very unassuming, gave us her card and said to call if we needed anything. We are not going to call, but I appreciated her low key approach.

I see the Social Worker like the Grim Reaper. You know it's bad if the social worker shows up. It's a cue that the news is going to be bad and you will be upset. In fact, if they do show up, you probably should get upset, otherwise they might think you are some non-feeling monster and start looking into you more closely.

In these cases, it is the job of the Wife to be emotional while I play the strong, supportive husband.

Surgery

A week ago we went in for a consult for a gastro intestinal (GI) tube for our daughter. She has been feeding through an NG tube for the past nine months. We were not keen on a G tube, but NG tubes are supposed to be temporary and it is not realistic at this point to think that we will ever be able to feed her enough orally to keep her alive, so this is the only option.

There are two ways to do this procedure. One is surgically, where they actually cut you open and muck about. The second and less intrusive way is to go in with a scope, inflate the stomach with air and find a place between the stomach and skin where there are no big organs or blood vessels and push a needle through to make a hole for the tube.

The scope procedure did not work, as the doc could not find a location where he was 100% certain that he would not pierce something vital. It's better to be safe than sorry. Unfortunately, this means we spent a day in the hospital and put our daughter through an IV and being knocked out for nothing. We have a consult with the surgeon on Friday.

At least we did not have to see a Social Worker.

Back to Posting

It has been some time since I posted, but I think I am ready to update this blog.

Stay tuned for regular updates.

The Future of this Blog

Let's be honest. The title of this blog is no longer fitting. The little fights or "differences in perspective" between myself and the Wife, seems less important now that we have children.

Don't get me wrong. Not much has changed. I still complain about the stupidity of the lefties, the Wife still ignores me. Some things will never change.

However, Having twins, one of then needing special care, that stuff takes a back seat. There is a saying about how most young people are to the left of the political divide, but as they grow up they move to the right. I think it has less to do with age, and more to do with responsibility. A lefty in my situation is too busy worrying about his own problems to try to come up with wacky solutions to the problems of others.

The focus of this blog is changing. It was always about my life and what was going on between me and the wife/girlfriend. As we become more focussed on our children, so does this online diary.

Blogging has been light of late. It’s not that I haven’t had the time. Since we are both at home, we have nothing but time. The simple reason is that I have not felt like it. Things are stabilizing a bit, and I have more to complain about, so things might pick up.

My focus will be more on what it is like raising a disabled twin, as that is what my life is now about. I hope this blog will be more positive than negative, and that our experiences may help other in similar situations.

To all those who have left their thoughts and prayers, thank you. They have helped to sustain us through this difficult time.

Storm Coming In

I used to consider myself a positive person. Life was a good thing punctuated by the occasional unpleasant experience, such as going to work or paying taxes.

Our daughter's condition hangs over us like a cloud. Life now seems like a darkness punctuated by the occasional time I can forget that this has happened. The one bright spot that always makes me happy is our other daughter, Katherine. I have long wanted to be a parent, but not until I became one did I truly understand the love one can have for a child. I would do anything to protect them. That is what makes Jocelyn so hard, as there is little we can do.

Her life expectancy is based primarily on three factors: Whether or not she has seizures, how mobile she is, and how able she is to feed herself. Seizures usually turn up in the 4 to 6 months. No sign of them yet and they passed the 4 month mark 2 weeks ago. There are things we can do to improve her mobility, such as working with a physical therapists and we can continue to try to feed her as much as possible.

Her life expectancy is 15-20 years, depending on the three factors. Her chance of seizures are about 80%. It is likely she will, at best, be confined to a wheelchair and we have had little success bottle feeding her.

We intend to keep trying, but the chances of improvement are slim.

The un Christmas

It doesn't feel much like Christmas around here, although there is a lot of snow.

The Wife is a bit depressed. I guess we are still getting used to it. When we found out we we having twins, I was shocked and fearful that we couldn't handle two at once. I think she got used to it sooner than I and started to think and look forward to the unique relationship they would have with each other. There will be an even more unique relationship now, just not the one we expected.

It's two days before Christmas, and we still have not put up the tree. Neither of us are big on the outward displays about Christmas (trees, lights, etc) and with both of us at home, every day seems to blur into the next. Since neither of us have to go to work, days and time do not matter.

The only thing we need time for is to figure out what to watch on TV.

Help for children with Disabilities

Kate at SDA put me onto this article at the Globe and Mail about a plan to allow parent to put up to $200,000 aside for their severely disabled children.

Although we have been in this position for 2 weeks, I have already considered the future for our daughter. The wife and I are both in our mid 30's, so it is likely that our daughter will live a long time beyond us. I would hate to put our other children under a financial burden after we are gone.

I hope this measure is implemented as soon as possible.

Significant is Significant

We had another meeting with Jocelyn's doctor today. Last week, he had the report which noted significant brain damage, but he had not seen the MRI or talked to the experts. I was hoping "significant" was not that significant.

It is. Jocelyn has almost no outer brain, that which controls higher functions. It seems the hope I was clinging to was unfounded.

In these cases, there is a high chance that she will develop seizures and babies in this situation have a 50-50 chance of making it through their first year.

As disturbing as that is, it is not the worst thing we may have to face. He brought up the subject of what measures we want to do to keep her alive, leading me to believe this is something we may have to face soon.

How can I make that kind of decision?

Parents are supposed to care for and protect their children. How can I not do everything possible to protect her? Yet, if her quality of life is so poor that she will never talk, eat, walk or even be aware of what is going on around her, is it really best for her to keep her alive artificially?

I do not want to have to face these decisions.

Bittersweet Babies

One of the things parents take joy in is the development of their babies. Their first word, their first steps, their first smile.

Last week, Katherine started to communicate with us. She smiles and makes different noises as I look at her. She tries to repeat the sounds I make and laughs when I laugh at her.

However, even through all the wonderment I feel, there always exists a bit of sadness in the back of my mind. Will Jocelyn ever do these things? Will she ever smile at me? What will her life be like? And will I be able to deal with it?

That sounds a bit selfish to me, but my biggest worry is about the wife and I, and will we be able to handle this.

A Day in the Life

Caring for children is difficult.

Both the wife an I are at home, and I still find it a draining experience. A guy I know has twins that are a few months older than ours, and his wife stays home alone with them. I do not know how she does it.

We usually get up around eight am. The girls sleep until about then. Katherine usually sleeps the whole night, from 11 pm, Jocelyn gets up usually once at about 3 or 4 am.

Overall, not much to complain about there. Ours are pretty good compared to other horror stories I have heard.

The problem comes during the day. I feel like I spend my whole life in the living room. There are days when I do not go outside. The wife and I look forward to running out of something, so someone has an excuse to go out.

I have become very familar with the TV schedule. There is nothing much on in the morning, so we leave it on CTV Newsnet until I cannot stand their lefty crap anymore. That is usually about noon, so I switch to CPAC and watch what is going on in the House. After that, I usually flip it around between Seinfeld, and Dr Phil or occasionally to the Food Network, as the wife likes their stuff. Before supper, the wife likes to watch Scrubs. Then it is into the evening schedule, where we just pick the best thing we can.

That is close to 15 hours of TV per day. It sickens me as well, but we are a bit stuck. As Katherine sleeps all night, we almost have to continuously feed her through the day. Jocelyn needs to be hooked up to her feeding machine every two hours, but she requires almost constant holding to keep her calm and relaxed. This means we just use the TV as something to look at while looking after them. The rest of the time is spent cooking meals, using the bathroom or having a shower (something I have yet to have today).

Needless to say, I am feeling fat, tired and generally down.

Hopefully it turns around a bit.

An Interesting perspective on Gay Marriage

A great post at The Politic regarding gay marriage.

Shane has some interesting points.

MRI Results

On Monday, we received the MRI results. They were not good.

Sometime during the pregnancy, Jocelyn's brain was denied blood, not allowing it to develop normally. She has areas in her brain where there is no brain matter, all of them in the outer brain, where all the higher brain functions are. I do not know how big these areas are, but they are described in the report as "significant".

We have to be prepared for the fact that she may never be able to walk, speak or acknowledge us. We have to be prepared for the fact that she may need to be institutionalized for most of her life.

Next Monday we will get a look at the actual MRI to see how big these spaces are and come to some sort of plan with how to proceed next.

3 Month MRI

On Thursday, Jocelyn had an MRI.

I spent most of the day in the hospital. We had the first appointment in the morning and with babies under 3 months, they like to keep you after to insure there are no reactions to the anesthesia.

The MRI went well. She was done by eight am and woke up right after.

Tomorrow morning, we see the doc for the results.

We may get some idea what is wrong, or not. I am not sure what result I want. The truth is, I am hoping that we are not going to find anything wrong. It's a bit confusing. We know something is wrong. Her last MRI was abnormal, but they cannot tell how that abnormality will effect her or even if it will affect her (at least that's what they tell me). The brain is still a mystery, so I am hoping that her brain will compensate for whatever was the problem and she will develop normally. Finding something means my hope might be dashed. I think the wife is the opposite. She wants to have a name put to it so we can start doing something about it.

My bet is that tomorrow they will say they still see something wrong, but will have no idea what it means to her. This is probably the best result for me, as I can still hope but it is the worst result for the wife, as it leaves many questions.

Right now, it is obvious Jocelyn is different from her sister and behind in development. Last week, her sister started to smile and now responds to me making faces and noises at her. However, this does not mean Jocelyn has development problems, as she was in the hospital for a month. Being sick is not conducive to normal development and she can be expected to be a month behind her sister. She has given us some positive signs. She has been gaining weight her, cries are getting louder and she is becoming more interested in things going on around her. However, compare her to her sister, and you would not think they are the same age.

So, you can see why I still cling to hope. She is obviously not caught up yet, but she is showing signs of developing. The question is, is it enough and will she eventually catch up.

Tomorrow we will find out. Or not.

Family Update

I have lately been a bit negligent in posting.

Things have settled down a bit lately, and I am now able to devote a bit more time to blogging. Over the next few weeks I will pick up my posting and update everyone on how we are doing.

So far, the babies are doing well. Both are at home. Katherine is fine and doing all the things a baby should and is now over 9 pounds. Jocelyn is just over 7 pounds and is being fed through an NG tube (tube in her nose). Other than that, she is not on any drugs. We have appointments with her doctor every week, just to monitor.

She had a bit of a problem last month in that she was not gaining weight. It was my fault. There are two main things going on with her. Babies need to gain weight, but we also want to get her off her feeding tube. She is on the tube because she is unable to get enough food to gain weight through a bottle, as she has not had the practice. So we were trying to do both and focusing on getting her off the tube. Over 4 days in October, we fed her bottle only, and made great strides. She was up to almost a 60 ml each feeding. Unfortunately, she was not able to keep this up the number of times necessary to gain weight and she lost ½ a pound in a week. At this point we had two babies, genetically the same but one at 6 pounds and one at 9 pounds. The hospital gave us a machine to regulate the formula. I swore I would never use this machine, as I saw it as a symbol of our failure to get her off the tube. It was at this point that I had to reevaluate and give up trying to do two things at once. We barely try to feed her with the bottle and the machine has ensured that she gets what she needs and she is up over seven pounds now.

We still do not know what, if anything, is wrong with her. We have an MRI at the end of the month and that may tell us something, or it may not. She has been calming down, has been less upset and she is often alert, looking around and responding to noises and objects. However, her head size is near the bottom of the percentile, so that is not good.

I think the waiting to know is the hardest.

Next post I will talk a bit about how this affects the parents.

Together At Last

Yesterday, Jocelyn came home.

We spent Thursday night in the hospital. They have a overnight room for families and we took the both and spent the night there. It is a sort of trial run, to help see if you can cope.

I am not much for big organizations telling me what I can and cannot do, especially with my own children, so I was tempted to tell them to stick it and just take her home. However, the wife seemed to want to follow the "rules" and I think it made her more comfortable to go through a trial run with medical help close by if necessary.

The whole system makes you consider what type of people they normally deal with. The first time I realised there were some very different people out there was during the first set of rounds, where I heard them talking about the wife in the thrid person and mentioning that "the mother" had no history of drug or alcohol abuse during pregnancy.

The hospital staff was constantly tiptoeing around us, making it very obvious they were not trying to pressure us, to make sure we were confortable with dealing with both of them. Nice of them to be so understanding, but it gets a bit tiring being treated like a teenage single mom all the time.

However, we jumped through the hoops and they are our children now.

We are free to screw them up just like everyone else.

So Close We Can Taste It

Yesterday, Jocelyn passed a car seat test and had her monitors removed. We have a meeting with the nutritionist in the morning.

We are now this close to bringing her home. I am hoping we can bring her home tomorrow. The wife expects a few more days, as she feels we need the time to start to get her on a schedule and she wants to spend at least a day at the hospital getting her used to our way of operating.

I don't thin they will wait that long and to be honest, I am starting to feel guilty about taking up a bedspace.

It is a great position to be in and I thought it would never come.

Good News

We had a bit of a breakthrough with Jocelyn yesterday.

She took 20 ml of formula through a bottle yesterday. This may not sound like much, but it is the first time she has been successfully fed like a baby since she was born. This is significant as it is the only thing keeping her in the hospital. We have been hoping and trying to get her to feed for the past week.

Since she was born, she has been getting fed through an IV or feeding tube. Babies have a natural instinct to suck, but she has not been required to use it for the last 4 weeks. We were unsure if she would be able to. She has been showing us positive signs all week, but this is most encouraging.

Assuming she continues to improve this week, she may be able to come home as soon as this weekend.

Babies Update

So far, everyone is doing better.

Mom still has some pain for the C section. It takes about 6 weeks to fully recover. You hear about women who prefer a C section, as it is more "convenient", more civilized and less painful. I do not see how anyone would choose a C section over natural childbirth. It is major surgery, one of the few that they have to cut you open for. I recommend avoiding it if possible.

Katherine is doing great. She is eating a lot, but she usually gives us 3-4 hours between feedings. We have to supplement her feeding with formula, as the wife is constantly pumping breast milk, as we try to get as much as possible to Jocelyn. I think the wife is starting to feel a bit like a cow.

Jocelyn is doing better. All drugs, IV's etc are out of her. She is still feeding through a tube and the plan is to wean her off of that. It must be done slowly, to ensure she still gains weight and can feed normally when we get her home. We hope to have her home in 1-2 weeks.

On the other aspect, we still do not know what is wrong. They are suggesting her brain development was not normal, based on an MRI. However, they cannot (or will not) speculate on what that means for her development. My understanding is that most of the time they cannot tell, and must monitor the child's development and base any predictions on that.

So, it seems unlikely that we will get any definitive answers. We will be taking her in for scans at regular intervals for probably the next 5 years, and maybe to special development training. Not much more to say on this subject. It could be nothing; she might be similar to her sister as she develops. Or not. And we may not know until it happens.

That said, she has undergone some tests that are grounds for hope. Her hearing and eyesight tests are normal. She was very alert the other day when I visited her and she seemed to look and respond to my face and voice. I also heard her cry to the first time, although it was a weak and half-assed attempt. Nothing like her sister's.

I want to thank all the readers of this blog for their positive comments and prayers. It means a lot to us that there are people thinking and praying for our daughter.

Climb Aboard Space Mountain

The last few days have been a bit of a roller coaster ride.

On Thursday, Jocelyn was transferred back to be with her sister and mom, and she appeared to be doing better. Unfortunately, during the night she had a number of seizures, requiring drugs to stop her from shaking and eventually necessitating her transfer back to the Royal Alex. This increases the risk that she may have some sort of brain damage.

Needless to say, I am a bit concerned. I am not sure what is going on long term, but I plan to discuss it with the docs. Her regular doc is not on this weekend, so I may have to wait until Tuesday to get some real answers.

On a more positive note, mom and Katherine should be coming home today. They are both doing really well and I should be happy about that. However, I cannot help but think of my other daughter, stuck in the hospital, attached to a bunch of tubes.

I am not very religious, but I have been praying.